My silent smiles..

Ah, I'm rather chatty today. But everyone else seem to be busy doing something. I cannot blame them. There is a lot of work to be done - of which, needs my completion too. Just that I'm procrastinating and shrugging it off. Lazy me huh.

Its been quite a week thus far. Today marks the day we all returned to the northern hemisphere a week ago. The day I was somewhat awakened away from my magical dream. No one should question the wonders of holidays. They are there for a reason. They take us away to places we never knew existed, they teach us things we could have only imagined before this, they enlighten us about how tiny we are in this big big world, yet how similarities and differences can form a lasting bridge, connecting people, society, culture, opinions and attitudes.

I had a beautiful summer. I never thought that it would be such a steep learning and experience curve. It was a marvel. It shone light into my life - things are clearer now, both good and bad. It can be somewhat blinding..but hey, if it's too bright, put on some shades! Gonna look cool still.

I laughed, I cried, I smiled, I frowned, I panicked, and I resolved. I also did things that some would say as impulsive, I had doubts about them too but, I have no regrets, because up until this point in time, it still..feels..right. :)

I hope that the coming months would be as enjoyable as the past months. There would be a lot thrown at all of us, but in light of adversity, I hope that all of us shall rise together, and shine ever so brightly - as my friends deserve nothing less.

Just want a little bit of you..

May the powers above bless the people around me,
and forgive me for some of the things I've done.
and i am thankful if I managed to have good moments.

:)

The thoughts.

Summer has come, and summer is going.
The leaves are turning golden brown, gone is spring.
Chills and breezes turning into bitter colds and snowfalls.
Light florals draped down by thick and heavy sombre overalls.

I've walked a passage, I've made my wrong turns
I've learnt much, I've changed moderately.
I've enjoyed my freedom, I might even have mis-used some.
But I have definitely, lived.

I don't want to go back to the stressors of matters.
Yet, I want to reap the realms of matters.
I've pictured myself, the person I want to be,
And I'll work on this artwork of a lifetime,
Along with others who make up the colours
on this plain canvas of mine.

I have learnt so much from others,
the friends I've had all my life,
the friends I've known for years,
the friends who made me strong,
the friends who believed,
the friends who encouraged,
the friends who supported,
the friends who criticized,
the friends who I've just met,
the people on the streets,
the colleagues from work,
the admirers, and the admired.

There are also those precious few,
whom all these while love me,
And those whom recently shared their love with me,
They gave me the greatest gift of all;

They taught me how to love myself.

To believe in oneself,
To believe in others.

Back to business

I shall write a short note here.

The past few weeks have been really enlightening for me. I suppose I saw and learnt a lot from the many people I have met, and in the past week in particular. I am glad to have met up with a familiar face in the USA after all. That said, if you could consider the term 'familiar' being referred to a 'row' (debate competition) 8 years ago followed by a couple hours meet which eventually led up to a 7 year absence!

Yet, I had to sniff some things out for him too, which I found hilarious and it was hard to contain my giggles as I was doing so. People must have thought that I was mad!
I also walked in the rain. It was a thunderstorm. With company.
Saw a good tennis workout. Haha, a feast ;) [gosh, i hope the person isn't reading this. or if so, take it as a compliment yea. =P]
Drank a bit with a bunch of people I newly met (not advisable) but had someone I could rely there, that's why. But of which tables turned. LoL.
Danced.
Had a good time. period.
Chilled and relaxed.
Learnt how to think and ponder with "why nots" rather than "why" i.e why should I do this? Why not I do it?

Gonna be more vocal, more outgoing, and loosen up a lil'.

Pointings.

I learn. I try to remember what I learn. I do forget what I was meant to learn. I go around in circles. I get back at square one. But, I try; and in these attempts, I learn too. As long as I am moving, I am content, I do not regress. As long as I stay positive as I move, I will progress.

Sometimes, it's just that we are forced into directions we have ought to have found for ourselves.

Sly

Why is there so much vested interest in people? A term I learnt in college in the 'Thinking Skills' subject.
How is it that you can even find these in the people you are close with?

Why is it that I cannot avoid just simply being truthful? Sadly, after being so, I feel as though I have been suppressed and forced to divulge things I was comfortably telling initially, but subsequent actions of the people didn't add up to sincerity and honesty in return.

When would jealously end?

When would I grow up, and not be so naive and innocent?

I am not a wise person. I am not as sly and I cannot use others to my advantage, unlike some people.

Tenderness of a different kind

Pain... was triggered in today's thoughts. And Pain, was triggered for today's blog.

It is a simple word, easily understood, and an uncomplicated term. Yet, it is terribly interpreted. Or rather, mis-interpreted.
What is pain to you? The feeling when physical harm is inflicted? Or when the mind is triggered to express hurt? How do we cope with pain? How do our friends and family cope with pain? What is the pain that they are feeling and are we understanding it enough to help ease the pain? In medicine, the description of different characteristics of pain can lead to our differentials, but how often do we see beyond this? When something so subjective is approached, do not expect it to be easy to deal with.

We cope with pain in many ways. There will be biological effects, but our minds play a huge role such that we face pain with it. After all, it is the mind which interpreted it. The body will deal (ie compensate) with the biological changes. This, is how we attempt to raise the threshold of pain.

That said, there are not many who can successfully manage it. All of us are designed to withhold different volumes of external opposing forces. No matter how hard we try, sometimes, failure does occur. What do we do then?

Never forget how painful pain is, nor how fear magnifies pain.

Let us care, and help, and open up to each other; to be sincere and kind, and not let pain destroy the people we care. They may put up a brave front - respect, appreciate and admire such courage, but don't let it be invisible to you.

To try to ease pain is a humanitarian undertaking. I shall make it a point to try to be as helpful as I can, in my own capabilities, to address any form of pain in the people I would come across. You'll never know, they might be hoping that there is something you could do. Though it would not be possible all the time, but I don't want to take away someone's hope. It may be all they have to hold on to.

This, is the enigma of pain.

My dilemma

It has been a while since I last made an entry here.
There has been just too many things going on, and several things that I would rather keep personal.

Blogging is so much more than describing one's life or opinion. Personally, it is a mean of expression, and reflection.

I have been in a very volatile state of late. There has been so much going on, that I wonder if I can keep up with all of these. Indeed, I merely need to focus on the task at hand, ONE AT A TIME, mind you, and neglect all other self-doubts and worries. Easier said than done.

I believe that I have surpassed myself in this past month and a half. I do wonder if it would be a learning curve. I hope that it does, in many ways. However, at this point in time, I have yet to see this side of things clearly. Perhaps in time, I would. I believe that I will. Sometimes, when dealt with a cards like this, all one can do is patiently and calmly wait for time to pass to view the future. This sounds rather silly, and doesn't make sense, does it? Oddly, it is exactly how I am viewing matters.

I believe that I can stay positive, be as righteous as possible, and as confident in what's left in me. However, there is this other side of me, who worries, who considers too much what others might think or perceive, who cannot accept certain things, who is pessimistic.

Life is a balance. Yin and yang, I truly believe in. Sometimes, the balance is tipped, sometimes more so than others, and sometimes, longer too. Thus, similarly, currently, I am being on this fluctuating scale of extreme ends.

I want to be myself, but what if there are others who want be to be different? What if I make decisions which do not go down well with others? Where do I draw the line? This line will never be clear, or straight.

Oh, and I seriously need to be more competent. Gimme T4 please. And moments of mania.

Note: To JL - Yes, I will try to get drunk on Friday/Saturday. History has showed that I do not go along very well with alcohol. I get very bad headaches without the 'merry' state. And, I don't think the ADH-ases can miraculously appear.

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A friend of mine said, that in the face of all these, others might have just cracked whilst I am persevering...

Persevering I am, but in the face of being cracked.

I hope I don't let anyone down..I can't do it for myself, but I hope to do it for others.

I feel like a tiny insect
Buzzing about, needing a rest
I have been smacked and twacked
Yet I am still alive, put to the test.

I am giddy, and I am faint
I'm looking for that one place to take a break
Away from reality, away from danger and pain
Into the tranquility of an oasis or a lake.

...to be continued..