A woman.

Today I met a woman.

A woman in her late 80s. She was easy going, alert, smart, intelligent, well-versed and a woman who carried herself very well.

She was strong, physically, mentally and emotionally. A woman who understood things. She was happy. She grew up, and still is; she had a career and enjoyed it while it lasted. She knew when to stop and begin a new one. She knew what to do after it. She travelled, boy, did she travel. She went places, discovered new things, enjoyed and experienced all frontiers; she also probably did all these with a loved one too. Together, they grew. What made them apart probably grew them closer.

When she had a little mishap, it probably scared her other half. It probably breathed some life out of him. It probably went to her. Together, they still are. She still is, strong in very many ways. I could see light in her eyes, life - a satisfied one. She had her bumps and scares, but she still sees them as things in life to go through or over or around. The breath she breathes, you know she is alive. She had lived, is living and will live. She is truly an inspiration.

Today, I met a woman.

...perhaps tomorrow, I'll meet a man. :)

Still the same

When the going gets tough..

Round 1 of work is coming to an end soon. I definitely think it is at an aptly time as I would like to learn new things now. I enjoy and love what I do, but I love to learn on the job even more. Unfortunately, I didn't seem to get much. I hope the next would be more conducive. A better hand in the cards too I hope. Sometimes, or most times rather, it is really the draw of the pot.

Prejudism, assumptions, misinterpretions are present and float around everywhere. I just hope I do not get consumed by them in time.

I haven't changed since for as long as I can remember, and I think it's overdue that I do.

Life is tough out here when you're alone.

what the....*@!&*%~!

I had a week of nights on call, which disrupted what one would regard the "norm" of daily living.

And as a result, I gained 1.5kg!!!!!!

*insert disgruntled face*

Something in me has been triggered to submit this entry.

I try to be as helpful and nice and as understanding as I can. Mostly, this has been consistent throughout and appreciated. However, there have been a couple of incidents where I think could have been approached better, by myself, more than anything or anyone else. Sometimes, being too nice to some people are not worthwhile, because these are people who are not team players nor are they thinking in the best interest of who they should be.

I do not know how to skim these people out just yet, nor do I know how's best to tackle the situation. However, I think I shall keep reminding myself not to pre judge nor assume the entire basket is rotten when it's only a few rotten apples that need to be removed.

And to continue learning....

Patience and tolerance do not come easy when a simple logical task is not even attempted.

It's odd. Uncertainty. Feeling it might, yet knowing it might not. Not wanting to feel awkward, needing more time, but few opportunities lie. Eager, but still cautious.
Inexplicably comfortable, though questionable at times. Confused. Need to think, but having difficulty. Proceed?

Why do 'friends' do things in the open that he/she knows will hurt your feelings?
Can one ignore and assume that it was done unintentionally? Can't be if its causing this degree of distress.

Perhaps a friend is right, friends who bring you down, isn't your friend...

The years that have gone by...

A decade ago, I was pleasantly enjoying what I had and what I was experiencing.

7 years ago, I came to a major crossroad in life where the path I choose will be one that matter quite significantly, and will be a determinant in many years to come. I made a decision at that crossroad, half-hearted, hesitant, and unsure.

Then, 2 years went by. I was still unsure though the path seem clearer and more paved.

The remanding 5 years went by all too quickly. I had major ups and downs, but the crossroad confusion I once had dissipated, and i cannot be more pleasantly thankful on this spot where these two feet are now. I believe I took the right road and lived along the way. Sure, there are things that happened which I would rather not have lived by, but lived by I did. Afterall, where paths cross, bumps and collision occur, for better or for worse.

However, it is the bigger picture that we should see isn't it? And the major points in life that turns or continue it.

And I believe I did make the right ones. I am happy with where these two feet are.....



....for now :)

Continuing..

Sometimes, continuity means Stopping.

It has been mad. A very mad week at work.
I feel used and misused, even abused.
I don't have the smarts to slither around
And work things with minimal effort.

Its been a rough week.
Some 'interruptions' were nice.
But short-lasting nice things,
Are as it is. Short.
Not reliable. Thus shouldn't be dependable.

Its been a rough, rough week

This is a week.

Sometimes happiness envelopes the soul
And a smile is carved upon lips
Sometimes, thoughts slither into the mind
And confusion arises with time.

This is my first entry since I graduated!

There is one thing that I can take control in my life at the moment, but I feel as though I am losing grasp of it. I was rather certain and in control with many aspects in life, but as it took a turn for the worse, I was left to grapple with what's left. Even what's left was difficult to hold on to, it caused third degree burns, but I am hoping that with time, the wounds will heal; and what I had held on will pay off in time..

Most times, I wish I could shake it off, and just fix my mind into one thing and focus on it. But it ain't that easy, is it? Risks are involved if I do that too. The balancing act it tough.

If I had learnt one thing in the past year, it is that there are too many uncertainties in life. Adaptation is hard to do once you've lost your comfort zone, but it has to be done, and I am praying that it will be worthwhile. Afterall, the process of adapting, enjoying it I am. And I am thankful.

He was all I knew of love..

You'll never really know someone until you spend enough time with that person.
And people do change, with moods, situations and time.
Its an investment.
So, invest wisely..

What's the point of life if risk is just a board game,
You roll the dice but you're just hoping the rules change..

I shouldn't be,
But I am..
Missing you
is how I feel.

Groovin' to the tunes

Carved, Trimmed.

~ Mistakes that I've been through
Some tougher, Some rougher
And some hurting more than others
But they carve into me,
Smooth out the corners
Accentuate the fluidity
Create new astonishing lines..
Some worth remembering,
Some worth forgetting,
Most, worth experiencing ~

As a multinational country, with limited resources, should the government "invest" in uniting ONE particular race only, or unite all nationals?

My country is choosing to do the former. I am disappointed.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

A not-so-disguised blessing

I am counting my blessings.
At times of despair, there are things I can be happy and grateful about.
I am thankful, extremely thankful, for some consistencies in life for the past few months.
I feel blessed to have the major aspect hitherto kept in perspective.
Despite all the crap surrounding me, I'd like to think that there is something I can still smile about.

How does one show appreciation?

It was not good enough.
It came crashing.
And he showed me the truth and light.
In the worst possible way.

The deeper sorrow carves into your being,
the more joy you can contain..
- K. Gibran

Choices

Life is a choice..
No matter how fateful some things can be,
Or how forceful matters can be

Some choices will be difficult,
Some choices will be unpleasant,
But some choices will be easier,
And many more, made with pleasure..

When we come to certain points,
a choice has to be made.
And there are many of such points
that we will come across..

They will be made,
In hopes and beliefs,
In fear and haste,
But they will be made.

Just gotta have some faith..

There is..

There is someone I know,
who is a humongous PRETENDER!
The most "innocent" of looks
Or appearance of character,
Or thoughts from other friends,
Can be extremely deceitful.
It takes the presence in just the right circumstances to see witness this.
The annoyance creeps into every crease of my skin!
Disgusted.

H & H

So here's a little secret..
If home is where the heart is,
I think I've found some kind of home in you
Though, I know its not very wise thing to do

You're amazing, to me.
You are amazing to everyone anyway..
So, I'm not exclusive.
But, simply because of that too
Is what's amazing, about you.

Its moving and changing,
Its getting deeper on my part,
But I know its not flowing.
Where is the destination here?
To the sea? or the core of the Earth?

I am seeing a wispy home
amongst fluffy clouds
Not quite so real
Never will be surreal.

An amazing person and friend you are
(Can't help it when you're so ideal)
Great support I've received in years by far
So, to you, Thank You.

If home is where the heart is,
My home is being built by people like you.

Wishing it was ..You.

(Sounds nicer with Tara Maclean)

Need you now..

Obscurity

Its tough out here..
When support is there, but not present as such.
When people you thought you could rely on, you thought wrong.
When there is someone you want to but dare not rely on too much
lest it doesn't turn out right,
then you might have to find footing all over again.

Its tough out here..
Not knowing where you'll end up if you fall
No shoulder to cry on when you're down
No listening ears to speak to when you have something in mind
No comforting hands to hold and reassure.

Its tough out here..
When you might have found something
Which makes you smile again,
To see life in its zest & vigour
But yet,
You could only muster meagre courage to tread upon
When uncertainties plaque the mind
When wantings become obscured
When lack of confidence
Lost of beliefs
Keep haunting, repeatedly.

Its tough out here, for me.

Deceit happens. Its a much 'nicer' way to describe a lie.
Deceit happens in politics. They not necessarily tell a blatant lie, but they hide and twist facts. You see, people can make claims and facts and agendas and give loads of talk. They can quote facts and figures and name the game.
The media would broadcast this, general public could listen to all parties involved, but how many would actually double check the facts that all these people present?
If party "A" said that 10% of the country's losses have been due to negligence in "X" sector, how many would check that it is 1) 10%, and 2) involved sector "X" ?

For all you know all parties may be plucking facts and figures out of the air. And because they are too busy campaigning for themselves, they're concentrating on themselves mostly, and less so of others. EVEN if that is not the case, in an impromptu speech, you cannot possible remember the facts to rebut what the other has said. And if it IS detected later on, the impact is most likely going to be to a lesser degree than the first.

And, that is why people/politicians talk ---- (insert expletive) at a gathering en masse.

So yes, we can listen to them, we can compare and contrast..but question is, WHAT are we comparing and contrasting? .. words in the absence of substance perhaps?

Awaiting..

I am who I am, and I am proud of where I come from, and how much I have gone through.
Indeed, there are mistakes that I've done along the way, but I am learning from them, as we do with each and every passing moment.

I got a feeling that the future is already fated. I got a feeling that I could actually travel ahead in time to see where I am 2 months ahead.

Feeling kinda scared now..nerves are kicking in. Well, surprisingly, for once.

But this too, shall pass.
Though, I am hoping to keep something..going, growing.

Yellow Cardigan: $900, Dress: $1350, Belt: $190, Shoes: $760. Person on the other line: Priceless.

Yes, you know you can confirm what you've just said, when even the simplest gesture given and simplest of favour asked, fall on deaf ears or an ignorant head, or both.

The commonest of sense is lacking in some people.
Is it due to the lack of care? No, its due to people being SELFISH. A person can lack something, but worse is when a person ADDS on a bad trait and exudes it.

I think it is partly due to that..AND, the fact that some people, even the most brilliant on the external, can seriously lack humanity and human touch, and the commonest of sense.

I am utterly disgusted by rapists.
They should not be alive.

The Finals..as a student.

Its so unbelievable..
Don't want it to go..
Its so beautiful..
Feel like its going to be
A part of me..
I can be a fool
But please make it come true..

"Leader's" debate

Anyone watched the televised political debate on ITV last night? - British politics that is.

I did, for the first few moments of it. Then I realised its time to press the "power" button and flip my book open.

It was quite interesting to note how they debated. I kinda missed those fury moments and the sharp witty tongue, anticipating to lash back..only to realise that you were so engrossed with responding instinctively and instantly that you weren't thinking. Also, if you give more time, analyse how these people process their minds! I think its highly intriguing on how synapses fire in different people when it comes to immediate responses.

Anyway, I personally do not have much knowledge on British politics. But I thought, it was becoming more "American". Fact is, almost all politicians are alike. ALMOST. Some do it better than others in terms of presenting facts, responding to critiques and tactfully rebutting. Some, just look better on camera.

Not in a nutshell, but more so of in a seed-pit (LoL):
What I saw - poor Nick. You could see that he wasn't very 'polished' for the scene. But hey, perhaps its this kinda 'innocence' that you need.
Gordon - I sensed a tactic, a poor one, and it was obvious from question 2 onwards. Not good for a seasoned politician. You should never make your tactics obvious. That's what I feel anyway. Tactics are meant to be left at that - a tactic. Work on the product of it.
David - Not bad, but all talk. I doubt the actions.

Dunia kecilku..

Suaramu menceriakan hatiku,
Sinaran matamu, menyerikan hariku
Alangkah gembiranya jikalau kita boleh bersatu
Bersama mencari kebahagiaan diriku dan dirimu

Namun, hidup tidak semudah begitu
Inikan dunia nyata penuh rintihan
Rentasan perjalanan penuh batasan
Adanya perasaan dan gusaran

Kau dan aku, kita berbeza
Mungkinkah yang berlalu hanya kenangan
Atau, mungkinkah masa hadapan kekal harapan
Biarlahku dibuai mimpi bayu buat sementara waktu


Dunia kecilku indah pandangan
=)

Congratulations..~

I look up to you, and I always will.

My beautiful Wales

Vale of Glamorgan, Revisited. :)

you need to be mentally and emotionally stronger..
and wiser.
but for now, either or would suffice.

My photos

If you look at my almost-daily, sometimes weekly, photos on my facebook pages, you would probably think that I like posting my photos up.

But it isn't quite just that.
The photos mean a lot to me. They reflect the overflow of emotions that I feel through the day. Sometimes, they express more than I could ever do. They allow me to channel my thoughts and feelings and just this inexplicable emotion and pour them out, in droplets, into these seemingly 'mere photos'.

Of late, I posted a series of monochrome photos from a few places in Wales. I have put some up here too.
A friend noted that I've recently posted a colour one back up now. And this made me think, which led to the entry for this blog.

The monochrome series, I realised, meant a lot more than I thought.
I chose monochrome because things were like that for those days - rather gloom, of black, white and shades of gray. Colours were too joyous and too 'bright' for my feelings. But the contents of the photos were pictures of beauty, serenity and tranquility; and I was pleasant, contented and experiencing times of joy when I was shooting them.

The collection of photos were akin to collection of thoughts - multiple, and in angles, from the squares and rectangles, and an empty space just off-centred..an emptiness yet to be filled, but yet, overlapped with these few joys. Framed strict corners, yet fluid filled pictures...the vast sea to be explored, the steep coast to ascend, the hard stubborn rocks breaking the flow of the river to overcome, the bridges to cross, and the solitary carefree little boy, innocent and calm looking into the horizon to be envied.

I couldn't express in words how I felt back then, but indirectly, upon reflection, it translated into the photos.

I still want to reach out, be it to my inner self, or, to you.

Reflections on a oasis of calmness

When I look back at how time has passed, and how I have been part of this relativity, there will always be things that I think I could have done differently, but there will also be things that I never thought I'd experienced without this difference.
There will be moments of sadness, and there will be moments of joy and happiness.

There will be things that changed my perspective on things forever
There will be bias and assumptions due to these past experiences
But I always want to give things a chance..to what extent should this be? Have we not been told to learn from our past experiences?

If only life could be seen simpler.
Isn't simplicity beautiful? I think it is.

That said, its just my perspective. And I am sure many would not agree.
With so much going on and happening, I can only hope to cling on to exactly that.

Peaks and troughs

My life, this year, thus far, is like a roller-coaster ride...

So its about time for something else..
Lets get the surfboard out,
now that spring's here and summer's approaching;

Its time to ride the waves~!


- I.R.L on his fast-paced steep ascend -

Literally, and metaphorically.
;)

Wales

NegativeD

The greater picture

Seeing beyond the looming exam and its associated stress, life is.....spectacular. :)

I can proudly say that I have thoroughly enjoyed yet another brilliant weekend to add on to the amazing weekends of the year.

Being able to embody happiness is something I am truly and deeply thankful for.

As life unfolds
We discover and unveil
Places we’ve never been to
Emotions we’ve never felt before
Lessons we’ve never experienced
Thoughts we’ve never come across

We unwrap
To discover its contents
Is it dark or similar to how its presents
Its sweetness only when tasted
Its filling only when bitten
Its delight depending on palate

If a bit of fragrance lingers at the hand that gave the flowers,
Then, a bit of shine reflects at the hand
that gave the chocolate
And a bit of sweetness remains on the lips who tasted the delight...

-untitled-

Like how I can't explain what I am feeling.

The heart. The mind. The body.
The feeling. The thought. The action.



Time in quantity.
Company in quality.
Opportunity in luck.
Willingness in receptiveness.
Emotions in chemistry.
Response in mood.
Reaction in experience.

Mask and Deceit

I thought I could shrug and laugh this off, but 3 days in a row?? That's a calling for me!

Lately, in the Malaysian news: Free Admission at Govt Hospitals

Also, that they are going to promote healthcare workers at a faster rate - Faster promotions

Then, there's also the medical perks for civil servants' parents


Oh wow, the government is making a lot of people happy! (laughs sarcastically) - Its such a joke, really.

Okay let's just laugh at this first - the amount of pay/grading that you are going to receive depends on the number of years that you're working.
- NOT the amount of work you do
- NOT the amount of responsibilities you have
- NOT the qualification you get/obtain/work for/study/pursue/achieve along the way

Okay, so, you're not in healthcare, you're not bothered about how much money these people are getting. You want to be selfish (not difficult in a situation over there) and think about you self-interests. You want to get the 'free' healthcare that you cannot afford. Even if you can afford, you'd want to let it be and have the power of choice. Why bother, after all, free-what.

Does anyone remember how the yin and yang works? and what karma means?
I'm diverting. Let's get to the point:

Yet, in all of these reports, NO ONE mentioned about HOW WHAT WHEN and WHERE all the shenanigans are going to be funded. Do they not know that healthcare is one of the most expensive expenditures around? Heavily funded, heavily sourced and even more heavily spent! It is probably the biggest employer of the local community (in a doing-ok-country-with-ok-healthcare system) too. So, may I know from those who announced to also announce a PLAN please? Rather than just another form of shouting and blowing oneself's trumpet.

That said, let's cover my bases here - just one really, but hey, that's why its a blog and not an article!

The media - did they miss out reporting on the grand scheme of things? There should be more reaction from them - if it wasn't mentioned, ASK! COMMENT! PURSUE! To a certain extent, some reporters take their job title to the core. Just 'reporting'. No offence, there are amazing ones out there.

So, really, where is the money going to come from?
Was the budget reasonable?

I don't know much about economics nor politics, but that shall not stop me from asking questions. Neither should it be an excuse for those who don't like the statements I have made to tell me to keep them to myself because I do not know.
You're already doing a not-so-good job (a huge understatement), don't shoot yourself down there. You should take heed yourself - If a person doesn't know, perhaps he/she should not go around making claims of knowing.
Instead, if a person doesn't know, he/she should ASK and CLARIFY.

And I won't be surprised if subsequent laughters follow in time.

Swept away..

I wish it would stop
Or that it would go on.
But not like this

Did I lose faith?
Did I lose hope?
Perhaps I did,
but I never lost my way..
Not yet anyway,
And I don't want to.

It is too good to be true
And it should have found its place
into the context of the past tense
That very day
And be left where it should have been.

=)

The pleasure of a physician is little, the gratitude of patients is rare, and even rarer is material reward, but these things will never deter the student who feels the call within him.
-Theodor Billroth-

There is a knot in my heart...
And my mind doesn't know how to undo it.

What can I do?

It's a wrap..

The final curtain draws, the end of another chapter.

"Shu Li, You'll be a good surgeon.."
"All the best."

Its difficult, when someone trusts you more than you trust yourself. It is very difficult.

And when that person says that, how much should you trust it?

Those were the words of my consultant, one of the most senior surgeons at the hospital (if not, the most), an examiner in the MRCS and FRCS examinations and for consultancy posts. Who has been praising me in front of his colleagues, and according to them, very unlike him. Yet, I don't know what is it that I have done! I have not done anything monumental to deserve it.

It has left me thinking..why and what is it that I cannot see.
It has left me with a dilemma. I am in a moment of quandary.

And,

I will miss you.

Smiles throughout..

Right, great day again today.
Good start for the week. No Monday blues.
The only bad thing - was the weight I gained over the weekend. It was a complete, 100% eat-sleep cycle!

Was there a good 10-15 minutes early, made sure I knew what was happening for the day - and that early minutes paid off. Consultant was happy with what I knew, especially when no one else did. haha. But of course, I understand that I'm merely a student. I'm not working and thus have no dire responsibilities. Also, I had the weekend. It definitely helped though, and I was more than happy to be of use. Saved a lot of time, troubles and prevention of negative aura for the team and ward staff!

Its sad to see certain things happening that I shall not reveal here.
However, it also meant that I was the only other person in theatre today.
Only 2 lap chole-s on the list. Was quite happy nevertheless because I have suturing skills teaching which I was looking forward to go to (especially since I have unduly respect for this consultant as well - p/s: he's a Malaysian!). I was more than happy to assist anyway. Secondly, I can't leave just like that.

So, there I was, holding the camera. Many would have been bored, but me, being me, wasn't. I don't know why. Just like how I told the ODP trainee the other day when she asked me what I wanted to specialize in. When asked to elaborate, I came up with the truest answer - that there is just something about it that makes me not sleepy during it despite only having 3 hours of sleep the day before. Must be something, right? I gave myself further thoughts, it is something that I am willing to wake up early for or in the middle of the night. Can't go too wrong with that right?

Right, back to today, I've been scrubbing up and assisting for all his surgeries anyway. So this was no different. Until....he removed the err..forceps thingy from the port thingy (I don't know why I can't remember despite numerous repetition!) and told me to swap places with him. I then realised that he wanted me to have a 'go' at lap surgery!!! Okay, may I remind everyone that for me, the patient always come first, and for this consultant, more than ever. My hands amazingly did not tremble when I put the instrument through the port. What I did then was to hold/retract the g/b and clip the cystic duct. He had to help me a little with the angle of the clip thingy - thank you for that because I had no idea how to work it out. With divine intervention, I managed to get the duct between the clip and clipped it!

Okay, so that worked fine, but it was removed (hahaha) because there was no space to cut. But hey, hand-eye coordination and depth of view were not easy achievements! =P

Next patient - again, he let me clip!! This time, not once, but all 3 clips! And walla! It went perrrrfectly. I got the position right the first time in both occasions! And, no need for removal nor correction from him. I didn't cut, that would have been asking too much, and I don't think I would have liked it either. One step at a time, I'm happy.

I closed one of the port sites too. Start to end. =) Very pleased. Normally I get to suture midway. Glad I gained his confidence in allowing me to start (with knots too!) and end - including local anaesthetic. :D *whoopieee* shuly is a happy bunny!

So I missed my suturing skills session with the cute msian surgeon. But I got the chance to learn how to do it on the g/b instead!!- Very thankful and appreciative of my consultant who took time to show to me; he knew I missed it for his surgery. I did rush off to see if its still happening after the case. It was over, but hey, got the chance to see this other consultant. HAHA! He was very encouraging - he was considering going through with me briefly, but I didn't want to trouble him and told him that I'll ask the others who attended. Guess what, he told me that if I needed any help, come up to him anytime and he'll teach me. How kind!!! *I'm so blessed* Even told me his OT/OR schedule (not that I don't already know) and compared it with my consultant's schedule (they're both in the same specialty).

Right, and to think that they day has gone tremendously well (it is around noon by now), it went better! I stumbled upon my consultant going to his office, and he passed me something, and we met this young consultant whom I've blogged about previously. He seems to be something great here - taking an admin role as well. I wonder if he's Head of Dept. Anyway, my consultant commented on the lack of coordination between teams such that his team had to go somewhere else .. and thanked as well as praised me in front of this 'young' consultant! I didn't know where to hide my head now. I think my mind went blank - as I said, I always thought of my consultant as a respectable figure who encourages, but not really saying it out loud. Have you watched "the Invisibles"? I felt like the girl/daughter there when he repeated what he said.

I walked with this 'young' consultant down the corridor, and he said something to me, which just added icing to the cake for today. I didn't need any. I was already too shy to have anymore.

The afternoon went well, the evening too. The night, not so! No work done!

Again, I'm saying this not to gloat. This is more of an encouraging effect. And I should know better to not let it get into my head. It would not. Never.

Feelings are there to be shared, and I know my friends would be more than happy for me without having negative feelings.

I am thankful and appreciative for all the opportunities that I was given. And if there is something that I can share here, is that it pays to wake up that few minutes early.

A day of mine

It was a busy day. Nothing out of the ordinary, but not too bland either. Quite a tangible delight. I am not a very private person. I like to tell things to others. So today, I am going to tell you about a rather tasteful day.

I slept late last night after drinking a cup of tea and coffee, hoping not to fall asleep at 6pm. Oh, and of course, to get some work done. I did stay awake, but my mind wasn't. Ah well. I did wake up early - thus the need for more chemical booster. Thing is, when my mind is bothered with something, I am unable to sleep well. This is something I have probably inherited from mom!

The day started with me attempting to do some work, but ended up finishing a movie instead- How to lose a guy in 10 days! Then, I went for clinics - it was good, and I managed to follow-through with a patient. I wanted to complete the whole process, but was told to go for teaching instead. I thought I was late, but the 'teacher' was later. Good for me! Saw a face that made me smile, and faces that made me cheerful.

Teaching was good and ended at 1220. Then, I confirmed the time for the next meeting from the department I am in with the office staff before heading off for lunch with the rest. Came back at 1pm, only to realise that the meeting had started at 1230! I must have looked bad in the eyes of my consultant. It really wasn't my fault. I hope that people in general would not jump to conclusion about others. I will make it a point not to.

Then, I decided to go for another teaching before heading to theatres for the second case. I have seen quite a number of the kind of case first on the list. Midway through teaching, the coordinator waved me out, and told me that the HO called me to go to theatre because they had swapped the list around. SUCH A NICE GUY HE IS!!! I want to be like him! He knew I wanted to see that case, remembered, and called me!!!!***love***

I observed that op, then scrubbed in for the next. I got to do suturing - again ;P
I am under a consultant who is very stern, strict and thorough in what he does. He is quite a character too. Towards the end, he said, "You are going to do surgery right?" ....I stood there, next to him, flabbergasted. Never in a million years would I expect those words to be pronounced by him. I mean, he's someone who is very particular about the way things are done and should be done, and by all means, I understand that he has his reasons for doing so. I don't see him saying something like that at all!

After some shocking split seconds, I replied, "Yes, I sure do hope so". Then, another unexpected word was dropped onto me. He said, "Good."

(O.o)

Followed by, "You've got a surgical neck."

Me: ".....??...."
(seconds past)
Me: " Mr G, what do you mean by a surgical neck?"

..he explained briefly.

I've never told him about thoughts of my future, neither has he ever hinted of asking!

I know that some people don't give compliments because they think it might get into the head of the person, or that they think better can always be accomplished, or simply, they just don't.

SO, I am making it a point here, that I shall NOT take that into head. Instead, it will be just into my heart. Sufficient to be encouraged, and that bit of confidence to take that first baby step towards the arms of someone/something I can trust to stand tall and straight.

All said and done, this has now made me even more frightened than ever before - because it seems as though there are people who have much more experience than I will ever dream of getting or being, people I respect and admire greatly; who see something in me that is barely visible to me.

After theatre, ran home, ate some food - first for the day, changed and off for badminton! Great game, good match, nice company. Take-away dinner, unnecessary clogging of arteries, some warm fuzzy moments and a nice bath.

Now, time to get off the internet and *attempt* for...(eeks)..w.o.r.k!

A kind of..

I had a special kind of happiness last week.
It was extremely shocking, completely unexpected, but totally pleasing..

But it created and stirred a lot of other 'thoughts'.

Is this justified? Probably not.

No. It is not.

Would there be another moment like that?
That would be the sky falling down.

So, no. It is definitely not.

Go for it

An aspiring medical student was told by a respectable consultant surgeon - don't do medicine. There's no social life!
Whether or not this was a joke or a test of determination, I do not know.

I asked, what about a female wanting to do surgery?

He replies, much to my admiration and respect, "Its a boys' club. As much as 'they' try to say or make it equal. You gotta put more effort in, you got to tough it out sometimes. But go for it. If you want it, go for it."

He adds, "......But whatever it is, most importantly, don't ever let a boy change your mind."

*I heaved a silent sigh but also a straight smile*


=)

We don't and probably won't get over it..
We learn to live with it

The reason

The reason you and me are alive...
Is because two people fell in love..

-------------

Fight or Flight

I still get my voice stuck in my throat when I explain things to patients. It is easy to take a history and examine them, because that's what we were taught and trained to do. There is a sequence, an order, and expectations. So, I took it upon myself to start talking to the patients after a history and examination. I am worried to say the wrong things, give the wrong impression, putting my foot into my mouth. But I thought, if I don't try, I'll never learn. So, what is the best practice to learn without causing any significant or even minor problems?

I find it rather difficult when it comes to explaining my findings to the patient or a management plan. What should I say when they ask, "What is the blood for? Do I have a heart attack? Why is this so painful? Will I die?" If I just do the history and examination and not start a conversation at the end but instead excuse myself to discuss with a senior as I would have explained to them at the start, all will be well. It is these non-anticipatory questions that throw me off the sequence/order.

When I told a man my findings - that his heart beat was a bit on the slow side, he asked me why. Clearly, he was worried. So, how do I tell him without causing him more worry. Mind you, a patient can detect and sniff out young docs anxieties. I sure can!

It is so easy to see and hear how the consultant or senior registrar explain and in your head you go, "Yes, this is very good. The content is flowing out completely and very smoothly. Its like any other conversation. I probably can do it too." Then, you realise, it is NOT THAT EASY. Not for me at least.

I hope I don't cause any bad loose ends for the next HO/SHO seeing them.

Charm..with/out harm

For a laugh..

Whatever u give a woman, she will make it greater. Give her sperm, she will give u a baby. Give her a house, she will give u a home. Give her groceries, she will give u a meal. Give her a smile n she will give u her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what she is given. So if u give her crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

Malaysian Milestone part II

LINK
Up close & personal with Pua Khein-Seng
By LEE KIAN SEONG


IT’S not easy running a multi-billion dollar business. Such an accomplishment is more impressive when you consider that the person doing it is a young man who not that long ago struggled to pay his tuition fees and living expenses.

The company is Phison Electronics Corp, a listed technology company in Taiwan with a market capitalisation of almost NT$40bil (RM4.3bil). Its main claim to fame is that it changed how many personal computer users store and transfer data.


Pua Khein-Seng
According to Phison’s website, in 2001, the company came up with a product that led to the demise of the floppy disk. It was the world’s first USB (universal serial bus) “flash removable disk”. Most of us know it simply as a pen drive. In fact, that was what Phison named the product.

(USB flash removable disks are also known as thumb drives, yet another trademark that has evolved into a generic term.)

Phison’s president and co-founder is Pua Khein-Seng, an energetic 35-year-old whose childhood memories include fishing trips and living in a place surrounded by paddy fields. After all, he grew up in the pretty village of Sekinchan, Selangor.

Yes, the man behind the pen drive is a Malaysian. Although he has been living in Taiwan for the past 16 years, Pua still considers Malaysia as his home.

His success story began in 1993, when he arrived in Taiwan to study electrical control engineering at the National Chiao Tung University. During his three years there, he worked part time, earning about NT$80 per hour (RM8), to help pay his way.

“My intention was to come back to Malaysia after graduating,” he says, adding that he had already given up his ambition to get a master’s degree because it cost too much to prepare for a qualifying examination.

Then, in his third year at the university, the rules changed. Students need not sit for the exam to gain entry into a master’s programme if they do very well for their first degreee. Pua not only obtained first class honours but was also top in his faculty. He thus kept his dream alive.

Phison takes off

After Pua obtained his master’s degree, a professor at the university offered him a salary of NT$5,000 per month to research and develop memory controllers. The professor set up a company with his friends, and Pua became an employee.

As a key engineer in the company, he travelled to places like South Korea and Japan for meetings. It was a time to gain valuable experience and exposure. That ended when friction and office politics nudged Pua into a decision to leave. However, complications over his work permit blocked his exit and forced a long negotiation.

Eventually, the shareholders promised to invest NT$30mil in a spin-off company where Pua would have a lead role alongside some friends. But things did not go as planned. The shareholders only invested NT$1mil and later opted to give up.

“We faced some problems that time as we had purchased equipment, and the resources were ready,” Pua recalls.

Clinging to the principle of never backing down in the face of adversity, Pua and his friends chose to forge ahead with the new venture. But first, they needed fresh capital.

The target was NT$6mil which they hoped to achieve through borrowings and their own savings. At that time, venture capitalists were not exactly in a hurry to put money in the fledgeling business. Through his contacts, Pua finally secured some investments to get the business running. With that, Phison got off the ground.

According to Pua, the company was not producing USB drives when it began operating in 2000. Instead, it was making USB card readers. In fact, Phison also claims to make the world’s first 5-in-1card reader.

In January 2001, an Australian customer approached the company on the possibility of producing a USB drive. This put Phison on the path to its rapid rise.

“There was already a USB drive but we invented the USB drive SoC (system on chip), which uses a single chip,” Pua explains. He was only 27 at that time.

Despite this milestone, the company still had to grapple with teething problems. It was tough, for example, for a start-up with limited funds to attract talent. “We tried to hire Malaysians who had just graduated in Taiwan but it was hard to obtain work permits,” he says.

The company’s stature and appeal have since grown following its listing on the Taiwan Stock Exchange in 2004. It now has 430 employees, of whom 210 are engineers. Its principal activity is designing USB flash controllers and related NAND (a type of technology for flash memory) flash applications. It also designs integrated circuits and provides system integration services.

Its products include controller ICs (integrated circuits) for card readers, pen drives, memory cards, flash disks, and other electronic devices.

These are exported worldwide.

Its revenue has ballooned from US$500,000 in the first year of operation to US$580mil last year. It spends between US$15mil and US$20mil annually on research and development. Clearly, Phison has overcome the rocky start.

What is it that motivates Pua in dealing with huge obstacles? “My passion has helped me overcome the hurdles and also, there is the desire to prove that we are right. It’s thanks to the support from my staff, partners and shareholders,” he says.

His maxim in life is to do things correctly everyday and to be patient so as to grow better. “I just want to raise my quality of life and be myself,” he adds.

To grow further, you have to keep improving yourself, he says. “We are our own worst enemy. We have to be patient and concentrate on the things we are doing.”

For those who want to go into business at a young age, he urges them to consider carefully such a move because setting up a business is not easy without working experience. “You need a team as it is not a one-man show. You need to have your core technology and values to stay competitive,” he adds.

Leadership management and creating a good environment are essential in the development of a company. So how does Pua treat his staff members?

They are like his family, he says. “We have to do the right thing for our staff and they will do the right thing for you.”

Local pride

To him, it is a simple principle: “Don’t treat others the way you wouldn’t want others to treat you. Your staff will like you more if you treat them like your friends. They will not like to work for you if you treat them as part of a money-making machine.”

This has been tested during the global financial crisis, when millions of people have lost their jobs. Although Phison’s revenue decreased from US$630mil in 2007 to US$580mil last year due to the downturn, Pua does not believe in retrenchment and insists that the company’s best assets are its employees.

“We didn’t implement a retrenchment programme. In fact, we increased salaries and paid bonuses,” he says. He points out that although last year’s net profit dipped, it was a nevertheless a good sign that it was possible to register a profit even in these hard times. Thus, rewarding the staff was necessary.

Pua says his priorities in running a business are the staff, followed by suppliers, shareholders and customers. “I promise to share the company’s profits with my employees,” he maintains.

After being away from Malaysia so long, how does Pua feel about his homeland? “I’m like a foreigner in Malaysia but I like the place very much. I’m not really familiar with it now but I really miss the food here. This is my country and I keep track on the news in Malaysia,” he says.

He describes Malaysia as his motherland and Taiwan as his second home. “I am proud to be Malaysian, ” he adds.

He comes back to Malaysia once in three to four months as his parents are staying here.

“The quality of life is good in Malaysia as the pace is not so fast. This is a nice place to relax and enjoy, as there are mountains and the seaside. I will come back for my retirement.”

Fact File

Born: Malaysia (June 15, 1974)

Personal: Married with three kids

Education: Master's in Electrical Control Engineering

Career: President of Phison Electronics Corp (Taiwan)

Favourite food: Curry rice, Noodles, Hokkien Mee

Favourite place: Malaysia

Hobbies: Golf, Swimming, Sleeping

Values: To judge other people's feelings by one's own and to treat others with sincerity.

____________

Young. Malaysian. Rich. Successful. Intelligent.
Overseas.Opportunity.Country of Residence. (Malaysian)
Haven't we heard so many of the first line followed by the second?
He has probably benefited Taiwan in billions.
Did the country reject him early on? Good for him? Develop and expanded elsewhere first?

Kudoz and congratulations.

Breathe

Breathe and help me get away
Steal me, carry me and lets sway
Into a world, happy and with glee
Where we'll chuckle and giggle
Come any time and day
Being there for each other
Come what may.

Seeking to understand
To look into each other's eye
Making up after each fight
Creating happiness by night

Don't go away
Open the door and lets go together
Just as how we saw it back that summer
Feeling it was meant to be forever

Wipe away the tears
Replace them with kisses
Wipe away the fears
Revisit them with cuddles
The short bursts of happy times
Moments to cherish not to part
All achieved even though it was hard.

We've gone through so much
more than what others would have
In a short span of such

Struggles seemed so worthwhile
For what it was building inside

A wish for one more day
One more conversation sight to sight
Wishing it is never too late
To make it up
or for one more kiss goodnight.

Airway-Breathing-Circulation

Put a Scotsman, an Indian and a Malaysian girl together for anaesthesics and you’ll end up getting a combustion of laughing gas.
p/s: don't forget to add in the Scottish accent~!

NS (anaesth) to Patient: Don’t worry. We are here to calm you down and put you at ease. We got a live one here. If he doesn’t work, then we’ll try the drugs. They’re prettier and more reliable than this ugly one (referring to Scotsman).

In recovery:
Scotsman to SN: She tried to kiss me! I wouldn’t let her!
SL: O.o
Scotsman again: Hahaha. She did! She did!
(After a few minutes pass by .... and he walks past a few people)
Scotsman: You all should stop looking at me like that. Its not professional. Ok, I’m going for a wee break..!
SL et al: HAHAHAHA..

In the aisle..with a CT:
Scotsman: Its her fault that didn’t work properly
Indian: Yes it is. It is all her fault
SL to CT: I’m the one getting the blame today CT.
CT: It is like that. We gotta gang up some time.
SL: NOW is a good time.

------

Scotsman also said:
SL doesn't have a heart (in a joking way) Women don't have a heart. I did an ECG.. all i found was a replacement brick heart.. (laughs)
SL: Well, I wonder who (which gender) stole it..and never returned.

..I didn't know if I was joking or saying from the absent heart

crucial, essential, valuable

Written on 26th Jan 2010; Tuesday

What is important to you? Is having a career important? What about being able to do what you want to do and what you like to do? Perhaps to be ambitious and marrying those two together? What if you have many likings and hobbies, pastimes and leisure, beyond the workplace? What about friends beyond colleagues? I do not forsee it being an easy task to have all these.

Are relationships important to you? Is there someone else whom you care for more than yourself? Who and what do you prioritise in and for? Do you think about the past which is gone, or the future which is uncertain? I know of people who outline their life and create tick boxes to signify milestones in their lives. I know of people who do it carpe diem. I know of a few who had the former and changed to the latter and I know of those who did it vice versa. What made them change? Was it a person? Was it a single experience? Was it time? Or is it more of something that we can point our thoughts to scientific reasoning? For example, an organic condition on how our brains are wired, how synapses occur and to the extent of cellular changes towards thoughts with action and reaction. How our hormonal levels change and how the changes will affect thoughts. Ever wanted to sky dive or bungee jump but not anymore?

I’d like to share yet another set of phrases: "There is no mystery to happiness. The happy man does not look back. He does not look ahead. He lives in the present. But the present cannot deliver one thing: meaning. If he wants meaning, a man must reinhabit his past, however dark, and live for the future, however uncertain." It also adds that nature dangles it to us and we are to choose only one.
Nothing is ever black and white. (That’s why we have lawyers). Perhaps we seek for ‘meaning’ to appreciate the present moment of happiness to a greater extent. Perhaps we seek for ‘meaning’ for its enlightenment gives us happiness. Perhaps it is worthwhile to go through the darkness and uncertainty if happiness is found. Ah, the magic of “hope”.

As a medical, I do feel the pressure to be a good and competent doctor. I feel that there is a responsibility to care – to the best of my abilities, and beyond. It can take a toll. People are a group of individuals, and that’s who they are: individuals. Similar treatment with potentially different outcomes. Someone once told me, that it is okay to aim to make just one person happy in a day. Cumulatively, that would mean 365 people are going to be happy in a year. Shall I add, that is, if it is one different person daily. If all of us do the same, would it make the world a happier place? (Secretly, I’ll be content for the ability to make one same person happy)

Why do we wake up every day? Children wake up to play, students to go to school, adults to work, the retired to do some tai-chi and the old to see it all. Perhaps.
This is generalisation. Why do YOU wake up every day?



I wake up to the scent of a loved one, the aroma of coffee and indulgences. I wake up to get ready to say hello to the break of dawn, to smile to the rising sun, to breath the air of life, to allow my senses to roam free and discover new territories. I wake up to feel happy, to feel that I can do something today, something beneficial – hopefully for others. I wake up to hear greetings of good morning, to pass them on after adding an extra touch to it, to share wishes, thoughts and ideas; to care. I wake up to be thankful for another day of happiness. I wake up not wanting an argument. I wake up not wanting to be less than optimistic. I wake up knowing that there are too many out there fighting for just another day and it would be a blessing to get a day like mine. I wake up to smile.

I am glad to be able to do this in spite of – looming exams, troubling mind, rumbling emotions and being 24. Yes, the latter is important.

I hope as you are reading this, you see something beautiful in your mind. Go on, go out there and make someone happy. You’d be surprised on how immeasurable the happiness will reflect on you.


p/s: Smile.

Malaysian Milestone.

Taken from www.dailychilli.com

Panty-less warning for Valentine's day
By Edward Rajendra

Love birds are in danger of being trapped by the snoop squads of the Selangor Islamic Affairs Department (JAIS) this Valentine's Day, but girls who go 'commando' (panty-less) may just get away with it.

While female students in institutes of higher learning in Selangor are being encouraged by word of mouth or via the grapevine, electronic or otherwise, about not wearing panties on that day to express their love for their boyfriends, the JAIS officers are all worked up over these deviant acts.

Jais director Datuk Mohamed Khusrin Munawi said he was disgusted by the promotion of such immoral activities.

"Muslims must understand that Valentine’s Day is not for them. We will not allow Muslim students to be taken in by such celebrations that deviate from the teachings of Islam.

"At this moment, we are unable to determine the source of the ‘no-panties movement’, but those encouraging such a culture are irresponsible," he added.

However, two students in their 20s from Shah Alam, who gave their names as Ummi and Melissa, said they were aware of the “no-panties movement”.

"I feel it is a personal matter,” said Ummi with a smile.

"Valentine’s Day is a good time to express one’s love."

"And, what we use or don’t use is our right, our freedom. But we will do what is right. It’s a new world now."

Khusrin said Jais officials would be checking budget hotels, malls and parks throughout Selangor on Feb 14 to ensure that Muslims behave themselves.

"If we find unmarried couples together, they could be charged with committing khalwat (close proximity)," he said after a meeting at the state secretariat building in Shah Alam.

He said lamps in public parks will be turned on to deter couples from using such areas for amorous interludes.

"We also advise parents to ensure that their children are at home."

"We will also check restaurants that offer candle-light dinners, as these often lead to possible sexual activities in budget hotels."

It is not known how a girl who is not wearing panties could be singled out.
Illustration by Zulhaimi bin Baharuddin

Published Jan 28 2010

"You're still young, don't talk to me about these things unless or until you're 30," says someone a year older than me.

After having more insight into some matters, there will come a time where we would think not of the "perfect" one, but to hope that the "ok/good" one isn't a prick.

Being Solemn

Neither here, nor there.
So, where?

Big Bad Bowels

I was meant to write about a surprise finding last week but never got the chance to do so. I am, afterall, a rather busy girl. (Don't laugh!)

Well, what happened last week was that I got quite a big surprise when I attended a surgical teaching at 8am - Yup, surgical teaching starts dark and early, and yes, I am doing my medicine block not surgical. Anyway, not very many turned up. Attendees were meant to be consultants, registrars and house officers. As I recall, only 1 consultant was there, 1 registrar, 3-4 house officers and 3 medical students, including myself.

Oh, the surprise. I have not forgotten about that one. It is that I have just met the youngest consultant surgeon thus far! I am not sure if he is really that young, or is looking young. I perceived his age at 28-30, only because I know how long it takes, minimum, to train up to be a surgeon. If I hadn't known who he was, I would have guessed that he was a house officer who is 25. No kidding. Have I shed upon you my bewilderment and amazement yet?!?!?

Anyway, the topic was interesting too. Literally. It was about fluid management and said multiple times to be a 'dry' topic. Funny eh? I think so anyway! Hah. I thought fluid management was a very interesting topic. I don't have a clear understanding on this topic and have taken this topic on board personally to learn it in the past few months too, so it was very nice to be briefed on it. Oh, fyi and btw, there are new guidelines out there for management of fluids to you nerdys out there!

The consultant intercepted the registrar's presentation several times and asked us questions too - mainly directed at the house officers. However, there were times when he opened the questions too. Nice and interactive. Me likey. Best part is, he was very encouraging, and gave time for the audience to think, or gather the courage to speak out. I think that this is a very important thing to do and I hope to be able to do similarly in future. Sometimes, people tend to ask questions and have little patience to actually give a chance for others to answer. It is because that they know the answer and think that is 'easy' and simply don't have the patience. It makes teaching and learning so much more exciting this way.

I wish I had more confidence in answering the questions. And I wish my mind would be sharper and be able to pick the apt words instead of a flurry of descriptions to that particular word. Nonetheless, kudos to me, because I managed to answer a question right - when a house officer hadn't got it quite right. =D yay! brownie points for me. Oh, and he also mentioned a practise which is ongoing because it is a hand-me-down like thing, i.e consultants telling junior doctors how to do things according to their preference and likings. It is true that these are generally the older consultants with decades of experience and practise. Then he said, he is one of the younger and newer surgeons. Haha. I am probably not describing the situation like it is, but take my word for it, it created a funny moment for me. Thus, I shall coin this young consultant a "neosurgeon"

All said and done, above all, with all these thoughts running through me, I was smiling throughout this entire teaching session... =) giggling away almost. Its just something about learning new stuff and perhaps, surgical related?

So, a week later...
This neosurgeon consultant gave a presentation during the grand round. Pure brillance. I have to mention, he is a colorectal surgeon. It was definitely skimmed to the brim. I think there is so much going on beyond what was presented. Exactly like how skimmed milk is made. There is the soil and fertiliser for the grass, the cows who graze on them, the milk produced, the way it is being supplied, the process of pasteurising it, churning it etc until it reaches the shelf of consumers, sold by the pints (P/S: 1 pint of semi-skimmed is 45 pence in Tesco).

After listening to what he presented, a realisation came upon me. I realised one of the factors how he reached where he is at now so quickly. That said, I am only guessing his age based on appearance. Definitely young. I do wonder..if there are any other similar paths. Not impossible given current directions of surgery here - as far as I can understand and see (its not very much). Have I piqued your interest into the topic presented yet? It was on laparoscopic colorectal resection. For curious minds out there, first performed in the US of A in 1991 (his data, I never double-checked).

One thing mentioned is FOB testing and F/U with colonoscopy to detect colorectal ca. Ironically, I just came across a recently published article (published 10 days ago) that colonoscopy only reduces the cancer risk in the left side. That's only one paper. I did not do, nor am I planning to, read up on other related publications. Right (pun intended), I'd like to say that thoughts about how much in depth that a medical student has to know are cropping into mind now. Its fascinating, but it would not help me pass the exams. And I am concerned. Sigh. However, I shall leave that for another time.

P/S: I also had another amazing teaching from another colorectal surgeon - on hernias. From embryology right up to complications! Wicked! And he has not performed a hernia op in the past 15 years.

P P/S: I managed to answer a question from another-nother surgeon and he mentioned that no one had managed to answer that particular question in the past 10 years! Woop-woop! Credits to me again. Little boosters in order to proceed with life that I so direly need. =DDDD

Chaff and grain

There are times when we feel alone, at a lowly illuminated corner, our shadows barely visible against the dusty gray cemented wall, where we yearn for a channel to express our feelings to another soul. Yet, it is a seek for that soul-ful one, the person who would be able to stretch out with reasonable effort and means to do so. The comforting spot under his breath, and the reassuring thumping of the chest.

Where can one find such a reclusive safe haven? You want to tell it all our, pour it all out and leave behind nothing but complete emptiness. You want to let the untold you have been holding so close to your chest it is eroding away what's there. Yet, misconceptions and misinterpretations happen so often, too often, that you rather let that happen.

One cannot overlook the fear of being misunderstood
One must not overlook the tragedy of it if it happens.

This is a beautiful set of words that I came across back a very long time ago..:

Oh, the comfort -
the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person-
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out,
just as they are,
chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
-Dinah Craik-

Pecahan keheningan malam

Suatu ketika dahulu
Di mana hati and jiwa gembira selalu
Tidak mengira masa dan waktu
Tiada keresahan tiada kesusahan
Kenangan mencetus rasa rindu.

Kini, masa kian berlalu
Keresahan bertambah isipadu
Jiwa tiada lagi dalam ketenangan
Mengapa masa berubah sebegitu

Bagaikan merpati yang terbang bebas
Mencecah keputihan langit awan gebu
Memantul cahaya sinar matahari terik
Yakinku akan kebolehnnya tidak serik

Segala pengalaman dan perjalanan dalam hidup ini
Terpahat di ingatan dalam diri
Segala selok belok dan rentasan yang bakal dialami
Dengan tekad dan harapan, kan ku tempuhi
Semoga impian di hati kan ku kecapi

Running

I wish to run into the sea,
stampede against the fine sand of the beach,
then the compact solid sand as approach the coastline.

I want to run into the waters as I peel my outer clothes away,
then go against the crashing waves and let the resistance show its presence.
I want to feel the splashes of water droplets against my body or spitting on my face or stinging my eyes.
I want my taste buds to tingle with natural salts and olfactorise the smell of the sea;
all these when I set myself free..freeing all senses,
letting them take their form.

I haven’t been into the open waters for way too long. 5 years now. I have only managed to come close to it, to see it, to hear it, but never to feel it. And sometimes, you need to embrace it all to actually feel its embodiment.

Would you like to let yourself go, and join me, in what some may think as a crazy intention? Then again, what’s so absurd about something so simple such as running into the sea?

Instead of asking why you should do it? Why not.. 

When you're running, you're running away from something, yet towards another thing or you could be doing both for the same thing

Defintions..

Love should not be defined
It should just be experienced;
Read and make less between the lines,
Such is this minute thought of mine.

Am in the library of a district hospital, listening to my playlist of music after changing some settings on the computer, something which I ought not to do. Am away from the bustling small city of Cardiff, away from the comfort of my own room but probably for the better since heating here is more assured. The snow fell heavily over the past week.

I have been having erratic sleeping hours, going to bed at 6pm and awakening at 2am unable to fall back asleep. I saw the snow falling that morning, white specks trickling from the sky gently descending and with a fluffy landing amongst itself. The views were absolutely stunning. Everywhere was lavishly simple. Purely Mother Nature - well, let's neglect our acts of global warming for a while here. It was such an amazing experience to be able to sink my feet into 10inches or so of fluffy icy snow. I wish there were people around me so we can mess about together. =) Instead, I called home and messed about the pristine snow. I wasn't really alone.

I do hope that the snow will still sparkle and be thick when I am together with some friends in our own privacy to do some crazy stuff. I don't think that there will be very many chances left to go crazy with snow - not at this amount, nor at this age. There are certain things that we can only do in our 'youth'. I believe this is one of them. Can you imagine a 30year old making snow angels?! Well, you could, if you have a kid. How ironic isn't it? That you can be a kid again when you have a kid. =)

The week's been pretty much like every other placement. I have changed a bit in the wards, but no where near some whom I admire and look up to. I should be more worried about the exams, but there is a niggling feeling in my heart which I find hard to eradicate. Temporarily masking is what it is, temporary.

However, something special did happen today. The 'Grand Round' today was rather different. It was given by Professor Saunders and it wasn't a case presentation nor a research project. It did involve medicine, medical students, doctors, patients and human values. It seemed as though it was a 'goodbye, thank you, I'm about to retire' kind of talk. It lasted for a good hour or so, which I enjoyed very much, but more so, appreciated every minute of it. I hope that you have experienced a talk which have inspired and motivated you as I have. On this occasion, it was a timely and aptly one. It was like a booster dose of positivity, a ray of light in the cold icy month of january, the bloom of a long awaited bud. These talks are getting harder and harder to come by with age. When I was younger, I found some which did not make sense, but as I grew up but still foolish and naive, I gradually heard more sensible ones. College was the first time I truly appreciated and embraced these small but powerful jets of inspiration given by my class tutor. This occured sporadically and I wish I had recorded some and play it back now! In tertiery education and with time these become more pronounced and valueble. Again, another 'youth' thing!

That said, do you realise how much more appreciation you give when something is given by someone you respect and know of his/her background? Say, Me vs Prof Hawkings with the same script, who would have a larger impact in the presentation?!)

We all have our coping mechanisms when we feel low. Sometimes, it is our friends, sometimes, it is our family, sometimes, it is our loved ones..but what happens if our friends are busy? Or we are not well attached to our family? Or the loved one isn't present? And there is a boundary with our colleagues? Who can you turn to? If you're feeling that out there, let it be known you're not alone.

Its okay to feel down sometimes.

Postscript: Oh, ever experienced how funny it is when you answer a phonecall when you're asleep?!?!

2010

Happy New Year~

May the new year bring good tidings and blessings for all of you out there.

There'll come a time when we'll all grow
Some fast, some slow;
In the haste of it all never forget,
To be kinder, nicer and without regret.

I might not be smart,
I might have lost my strength,
I might have been crushed,
but I am glad I took that leap of faith
Even if my landing was hard.

For had I not embraced it I wouldn't have known
The extent of which I could have grown.

To you, all the best
I am sorry for all that has happened;
It wasn't what I wanted,
It didn't go as planned.
It was too much into the future
It was all so rushed.
And lost track of the present.
It was all for this year..
And it could have been perfect;
What could have been, and would have been,
And should have been.
Yet all's left is defect.

It has been a year, a year of disbelieves.